DISCLAIMER: The following text is a work of satire and conceptual art, but paradoxically, it serves as the only way to truly illustrate the state of the judiciary in Bosnia and Herzegovina today. Sometimes, reality becomes so absurd that only satire can capture its essence. In a system where justice bends under political pressure, where decisions are imposed rather than debated, and where the people’s voice is treated as a nuisance rather than a democratic right, exaggeration is no longer just a comedic tool—it becomes a necessity for clarity.
The Office of the High Representative (OHR) has made a historic decision – as of today, it is officially forbidden to refer to Christian Schmidt as an “asshole.” All news portals, journalists, and ordinary citizens who dare to use this term will face prison sentences of up to ten years.
This decision comes after Schmidt personally noticed a worrying increase in the use of the word “asshole” in comments on social media, news portals, and even in diplomatic circles.
THE BAN ON “ASSHOLE” – A THREAT TO INTERNATIONAL STABILITY AND REPUTATION
“This is a serious attack on the Dayton Agreement and the democratic values that OHR stands for,” Schmidt declared at an emergency press conference. “You can’t just call the High Representative an ‘asshole.’ That destabilizes the region! It threatens peace! It is an act of a coup d’état!”
Official legal analyses from the OHR have shown that the term “jerk” carries strong anti-colonial connotations and could inspire the people of Bosnia and Herzegovina to dangerous ideas such as political sovereignty.
According to diplomatic sources, Schmidt was personally shaken when he read an online headline: “Shari’ah-style ambassador, you can’t ban the people from calling you an asshole.”
“I couldn’t believe it. Me, a man who has done so much good for Bosnia and Herzegovina, who has imposed so many quality laws—how can I be an ‘asshole’? This is unacceptable!” said a visibly distressed Schmidt as he nervously flipped through the Constitution of Bosnia and Herzegovina, searching for an article that would grant him the right to ban personal insults.
THREATS TO NEWS PORTALS: WROTE ‘SCHMIDT IS A JERK’? GET READY FOR PRISON
As part of this revolutionary decision, the OHR, in cooperation with Bosnia’s judiciary, has prepared urgent amendments to the Criminal Code, under which any media outlet, blog, social network, or public figure who refers to Schmidt as a “jerk” will automatically receive a prison sentence of five to ten years.
According to unofficial reports, the OHR has already contacted Google and Facebook, requesting that their algorithms automatically delete all search results containing phrases such as “Schmidt is an asshole,” “OHR is an asshole office,” and “The High Asshole of the international community.”
INTERNATIONAL REACTIONS: BRUSSELS AND WASHINGTON SUPPORT SCHMIDT
The ban on the word “asshole” has sparked strong reactions in the international community. The European Union and the United States immediately endorsed the decision.
“We welcome the efforts of the High Representative in combating hate speech and strengthening democratic dialogue in Bosnia and Herzegovina,” stated an EU spokesperson. “The use of the word ‘asshole’ is not in line with European values, and we therefore support the punishment of all those who threaten international order with this dangerous vocabulary.”
On the other hand, in the Republika Srpska and Croatian political circles, the decision was met with disbelief. “So, we can call him a ‘long-haired Hitler,’ an ‘arrogant German,’ an ‘unelected colonial governor,’ but we can’t say ‘asshole’?” wondered one Bosnian politician who wished to remain anonymous.
The OHR was quick to respond: “Any language that fosters respect is acceptable, but ‘asshole’ is derogatory and impermissible.”
THE SCOURGE SPREADS: SCHMIDT CONSIDERS FURTHER BANS
Confidential sources from the OHR reveal that Schmidt is considering additional measures to protect his dignity:
- Ban on satire – Any portal that mocks the OHR will be automatically shut down.
- Ban on critical thinking – Any negative analysis of Schmidt’s policies will be labeled as “regional destabilization.”
- Total language control – The banning of words like “Shari’ah-style,” “colonial administration,” “unelected bureaucrat,” and “German Gauleiter” is being considered.
WILL THIS WORK?
Although the OHR plans to strictly enforce the ban on the word “asshole,” political analysts doubt the long-term effectiveness of this measure. “When you try to ban people from calling you an asshole, they will start calling you something even worse,” said an independent analyst.
Meanwhile, citizens have already found a loophole—instead of writing “Schmidt is an asshole,” many have switched to euphemisms such as “German Lord Protector,” “His High Unfortunate Excellency,” and “National Supervisor of Bad Ideas.”
One creative commentator has even proposed a new phrasing: “Schmidt is not an asshole. He is extraordinarily talented at making catastrophic decisions.”
WHAT’S NEXT?
As Schmidt enforces this historic ban, one question remains: Will freedom know how to sing, as prisoners once sang of it?
If history has taught us anything—it will sing. And even louder.
Source: POSKOK.NEWS
